Thanksgiving is upon us and that warms my heart.  Over the past 20 years my husband and I have unwittingly developed  rituals around this day of gratitude.  We honor his family tradition of tamales and football and my love of Brussels sprouts and my friend Mary, who has spent 18 of the last 20 Thanksgivings with us.  When any of these things are missing from our day, it simply doesn’t feel right.

And that is how rituals go.  They are routines that create shared meaning in relationships and strengthen emotional connections.  Notice that Creating Shared Meaning is at the top of the Sound Relationship House, the model we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.  Rituals are important in relationships because we look forward to them  . . . they symbolize who we are as a couple or as a family.  They have the power to smooth over rough spots and transitions that we all naturally experience over the course of time.

We tend to think of rituals on holidays, especially ones that honor cultural heritage, faith or family values.  But rituals on a smaller scale are equally important.  How couple and families routinely come together creates a sense of belonging.  Rituals demonstrate that we take time out of our busy schedules to make one another a priority.

Here are some examples of rituals from my own family, as well as ones I have heard from other couples and families:

• Six second kiss when you wake up, when you say goodnight, and when you come and go
• Family dinnertime where everyone talks about their day
• Walking the dog every evening
• Making a cheesecake for your partner on their birthday because it is their favorite dessert
• Going for pancakes every Saturday morning
• Weekly date night
• Returning to your honeymoon destination every year on your anniversary
• Leaving love notes by the coffee maker for your partner to find every morning
• Training for a distance bike ride together
• Watching a favorite TV show together
• How you approach your partner for sex
• Family game night
• Going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve
• Snuggling for 10 minutes every morning after the alarm goes off
• Parents and kids volunteering once per month at an animal shelter
• Planting a vegetable garden every year
• And my son’s favorite . . . serving his “lucky” foods (Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and shrimp cocktail) before he plays a football game

Rituals create positive memories and are like glue in relationships . . . they keep you connected. What are the rituals in your relationships?

Mary Beth George

Mary Beth George is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, Master Trainer for the Gottman Institute and co-owner of Couples Counseling & Psychotherapy Associates. She is an empty nester with a passion for rescue dogs, traveling and spending time with people that make her laugh.