Eight Dates:  Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, the newest book by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, guides readers to have important conversations while on a date.

For Date #4 the topic is work and money and how each partner brings value to the relationship. It also includes a discussion of money histories as well as what it means to have enough money.  

A rich topic indeed.

The suggested location is something that costs as little as possible and reminds you of something you did as a couple when you had less money.  Go to a fancy hotel and sit in the lobby or get take-out from your favorite restaurant and serve it on china.  Pamper yourself.

In the past we would have been on the patio of a Mexican restaurant, drinking Happy Hour margaritas and eating baskets of free chips.  

Our waistlines were more cooperative back then.

So, with clear blue skies and a perfect 74 degrees, we still chose to be on a patio, but this time it was in our own backyard.  Freshly potted planters and the scent of our blossoming lemon tree added something special to the gorgeous spring day.

I nixed the idea of using china for our take-out from Thai Lao.  To me, pampering means NOT washing dishes. 

As per the directions, we started the date by sharing three things we appreciate about each other’s paid or unpaid contribution to the wealth of the relationship.

Being four months shy of 25 years together, we have no shortage of examples, but we each chose to focus on the present.  His drive to have record-breaking overtime was celebrated, as was my ability to plan amazing vacations with said overtime. I call that teamwork.

We then discussed answers from two questionnaires in the chapter, My Family History with Money and What Money Means to Me.  

Twenty-five years together and we still had untold stories regarding family histories.  As we shared our stories, it was clear that both of our families gave us valuable, albeit sometimes painful, lessons with money without even realizing they were doing so.

The Family History questionnaire made me wonder how our son will answer these questions in 25 years. Without even realizing it I am sure we are passing on both positive and negative messages to him.  Thoughts like this help me to be forgiving of my parent’s flaws. 

My husband and I always knew we had similar philosophies regarding money since it is one topic we rarely argued about.  But it was surprising to see exactly how in sync we truly are when we compared answers on the What Money Means to Me questionnaire.  With the exception of our views on how money relates to stress and responsibility, we answered nearly identically.  

I guess that’s why it has always been easy for us to talk about money, which we do quite often.  The Open-Ended Questions for this date were nothing new for us, but still fun to answer.  We often love map about our fears and goals related to money.

The final open-ended question of the exercise is “What are your hopes and dreams about money?”.  This is the topic we have talked about most consistently for the last 25 years.

My husband has had a recurring dream that he won $18,000,000 with a lottery ticket.  We have fantasized and drooled about how we will spend that bounty, never giving up hope that someday we will match all of the numbers.

But even if we never see a nickel of that $18,000,000, we have shared a lifetime of richness in those conversations.

Mary Beth George
Mary Beth George is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Gottman Therapist, Master Trainer for the Gottman Institute and co-owner of Couples Counseling & Psychotherapy Associates. She is an empty nester with a passion for rescue dogs, traveling and spending time with people that make her laugh.