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Specializing in Gottman MethodTM Couples and Marriage Counseling

Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Date # 5: Room to Grow: Family

Monday, April 22nd, 2019

As an empty-nesters, our memories about deciding to have a baby are swayed by how we feel now.

By that I mean we tend to glorify the struggle of rearing our only child.  Now that our son is off at college, we find ourselves reminiscing and it all has a positive spin.

Remember that night when he was a screaming, colicky infant and we drove for hours to calm him down? Boy, do I. Thank goodness you were there to get me through that night.

What about when he had the car accident by fooling around in the parking lot?  He sure learned his lesson and it changed him for the better.  

In other words, we faced many stressors as parents.  I assure you there was not always positivity about these things in the moment.  

We are happily navigating empty nest-hood, and having fun working through “Eight Dates:  Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love”. Date # 5 is Room to Grow:  Family. Since we already have a family, it was fun for s to reflect on the last 20 years of parenting, plus our decision to enter into parenthood.

As with all of the dates, a suggestion is provided for the date location.  In this case the suggested locations were a playground, amusement park or family friendly restaurant to have kids in your field of vision.  

Torchy’s Tacos didn’t disappoint.  There were toddler fraternal twins in eyesight, simultaneously self-feeding and flinging food.  

It brought back those happy memories again.

WHAT RESEARCH SAYS ABOUT TRANSITION TO PARENTHOOD

Before we discussed the open-ended questions, we talked briefly about John Gottman’s research with marital happiness and parenthood.  

He found that 67% of couples have a drop in marital happiness in the first three years of the baby’s life.  For the one third that stayed happy, he found that it was more likely when men were respectful to their wives and accepted their wife’s opinions. 

These men were also different during the pregnancy in that they complimented their partner, and were involved during the pregnancy and birth.  

Check.  And check.  

Whew.

Research aside, we reflected on how we were able to stay in the happy group.  For us, it has always been a deep friendship filled with laughter. Despite all of the normal fears, frustrations and incompetence we felt as new parents, we never forgot how to laugh.  Or how to lean on one another for support.

Even when we didn’t have money to go out on dates, or babysitters to watch our son, we had home dates that were deeply satisfying.  Think Scrabble, wine, The Soprano’s and bike rides.

OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

The open-ended questions are intended to guide couples into discussion about:

  • whether or not to have children
  • if so, how many
  • what did parenthood do to our parent’s marriages
  • and things to consider if you do or do not have children

We reflected that for the first four years of our relationship, there was no talk of marriage or children. We both had prior marriages and were in no hurry.  We simply enjoyed one another and built a strong foundation.  

In the fourth year we married and it was I that brought up having a child a year later.

So, I am not getting any younger, you know. My eggs are getting old.  So, uh, I think I want to have a baby before I time out and the factory shuts down.

Are you sure?

Ya, I am sure.

Really?

Okay.

And that was it.  We didn’t have the benefit of the Eight Dates questions to guide us through a more thoughtful conversation. But my influence-accepting husband trusted my instincts that the time was right.  

He was scared but in agreement.  His parents divorced when he was two.  But he was adopted into my big, crazy family and knew that family could look different. 

We didn’t have a plan, but we had a deep bond.  That bond has sustained us over the last 20 years, albeit with some ups and downs. We feel proud of our parenting.  And while we don’t feel regret, we sometimes wonder what it would be like to have more children.

But as our son says, “Why mess with perfection?”.  

Being on the downside of parenting, we find ourselves with a strong desire to have grandchildren someday, but that choice is not ours.

But you can bet that we will give our son and his future partner a copy of Eight Dates to have that essential conversation someday.  

Rituals of Connection Strengthen Relationships

Wednesday, November 13th, 2013

Sound houseThanksgiving is upon us and that warms my heart.  Over the past 20 years my husband and I have unwittingly developed  rituals around this day of gratitude.  We honor his family tradition of tamales and football and my love of Brussels sprouts and my friend Mary, who has spent 18 of the last 20 Thanksgivings with us.  When any of these things are missing from our day, it simply doesn’t feel right.

And that is how rituals go.  They are routines that create shared meaning in relationships and strengthen emotional connections.  Notice that Creating Shared Meaning is at the top of the Sound Relationship House, the model we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.  Rituals are important in relationships because we look forward to them  . . . they symbolize who we are as a couple or as a family.  They have the power to smooth over rough spots and transitions that we all naturally experience over the course of time.

We tend to think of rituals on holidays, especially ones that honor cultural heritage, faith or family values.  But rituals on a smaller scale are equally important.  How couple and families routinely come together creates a sense of belonging.  Rituals demonstrate that we take time out of our busy schedules to make one another a priority.

Here are some examples of rituals from my own family, as well as ones I have heard from other couples and families:

  • Six second kiss when you wake up, when you say goodnight, and when you come and go
  • Family dinnertime where everyone talks about their day
  • Walking the dog every evening
  • Making a cheesecake for your partner on their birthday because it is their favorite dessert
  • Going for pancakes every Saturday morning
  • Weekly date night
  • Returning to your honeymoon destination every year on your anniversary
  • Leaving love notes by the coffee maker for your partner to find every morning
  • Training for a distance bike ride together
  • Watching a favorite TV show together
  • How you approach your partner for sex
  • Family game night
  • Going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve
  • Snuggling for 10 minutes every morning after the alarm goes off
  • Parents and kids volunteering once per month at an animal shelter
  • Planting a vegetable garden every year
  • And my son’s favorite . . . serving his “lucky” foods (Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and shrimp cocktail) before he plays a football game

Rituals create positive memories and are like glue in relationships . . . they keep you connected. What are the rituals in your relationships?

 

 

 


Couples Counseling and Professional Training Associates provides service to Kingwood, Humble, Atascocita, Porter, Fall Creek, Summerwood, North Houston and surrounding areas.

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Suite 107 & 108
Kingwood, Texas 77339
Ph: 281-348-0878

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