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A group of independent counselors serving Kingwood and Houston
Specializing in Gottman MethodTM Couples and Marriage Counseling

Posts Tagged ‘Honesty’

How Does Weight Gain Affect Couples?

Tuesday, November 5th, 2013

“You’ve gained so much weight . . . I am no longer attracted to you”.

More than 34%  of Americans are now obese and it has become a national epidemic.  Co-morbidities related to obesity, like diabetes, often take the spotlight but weight issues have deleterious effects on relationships as well.

Weight gain often accompanies marriage.  Couples can become couch potatoes, watching TV instead of being on the go.  Working out may take a backseat now that one is no longer on the prowl for a mate.  Nurturing your loved one with delicious meals, celebrating with food and frequently enjoying cocktails together can pack on the pounds.  Couples can influence one another with eating patterns, often to their detriment, and this can boost caloric intake.

Much to my chagrin, weight and body shape changes can and do occur over time.   Pregnancy, menopause and the aging process all contribute to changes in size and shape.  Couples who support each other through these transitions tend to be the happiest.  Change is inevitable and it is best to accept that some change in weight and physical attractiveness will happen for both of you over time.

Unfortunately for many couples weight issues take front and center stage in marital unhappiness.  When one partner gains weight, the other often doesn’t know how to handle it.  Sometimes they try unsolicited advice like “Go to the gym with me” or “Maybe you should give Weight Watchers a try”.  Advice giving can morph into nagging or ultimatums, and this constant pressure adds conditionality to the relationship.

Derogatory remarks about weight are devastating to a relationship.  Name calling, telling your partner you are no longer sexually attracted to them or saying oink oink every time your overweight partner reaches for seconds all cut to the core.  Being critical of your partner is toxic and according to John Gottman is one of the predictors of divorce.  We all want to feel loved for reasons beyond the number on the scale or our clothing size.

Attacking the overweight spouse compounds the problem by adding layer upon layer of shame and humiliation.  Making negative comparisons or ogling a sexy stranger makes the overweight partner feel worse, more insecure and vulnerable.  Instead of feeling cherished, one feels disrespected and devalued.  Using shame as a tool to motivate always backfires.

Shame is different from guilt.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher from University of Houston, shame is very painful and focuses on our self worth and sense of belonging.  Shame says “I am fat and unworthy of love”.  Guilt focuses on behavior and says “I overate and feel miserable”.  Shame interferes with our connection to self, as well as to our partner.

Women who have engaged in lifelong battles with their body are especially prone to shame when they plump up after marriage.  They feel big and unsexy and often dress to hide their curves.  Whereas they once pranced naked in front of their partner, now they dress and undress in private.  They often avoid sex in order to avoid rejection.  They simply feel “not good enough” or unworthy.

We used to think that men were less prone to body image issues, but the truth is their issues were present but off the radar.  They often share the same feelings of shame when they gain weight.

Secrecy is often a component of shame and weight issues.  This wreaks havoc in relationships, especially if the overweight partner has binge eating disorder (BED).  People with BED eat salads in front of their partner and gorge on junk food in private.  Bingers are not only grazers and chocolate cravers, but they feel out of control with eating.  They avoid eating in front of others to avoid judgment and in the process destroy intimacy and emotional connection.  It’s like an affair, only the affair partner is food.  Not only does the couple need marital counseling, but the binger will also need individual therapy to deal with their issues.

Many other dysfunctional patterns arise in couples where eating issues or BED are present.  Chronic dieting to compensate for overeating affects how couples approach food in social situations.  It also affects rituals of connection like family dinnertime and holiday food traditions.  Sometimes we see issues of codependency or enabling by placing the responsibility of the eating issue on the normal weight partner.  Other times we see sabotage through the form of temptation, especially if the binger loses weight and there are underlying power struggles in the couple.  And sometimes couples abuse food together to promote a sense of closeness.

But is the excess weight or the presence of BED to blame for plummeting marital happiness and sexual intimacy? Not so according to Gottman.  In his extensive research of couples he found that 70% of both men and women report satisfaction with sex, romance and passion when the quality of their friendship was good. Additionally he found that couples whose sex lives go well after the birth of a baby stem from the man keeping his mouth shut about the changes in his wife’s body.

Friendship, fondness, admiration and deep emotional bonds are what keep couples connected as they traverse changes over time.  Attraction to your partner has more to do with what’s in the emotional bank account than the number on the scale.  Physical changes are not at the heart of deteriorating marriages.  Happy couples see their partner as worthy of honor and respect.

In couples where weight has become a weighty issue, there are underlying problems that are being overshadowed by the weight gain.  It is easy to point the finger at the obvious, but loss of the friendship system, emotional avoidance or problems with conflict management are more likely the root cause.  Weight loss alone will not change the trajectory of a troubled relationship.

As we say in Gottman Method Couples Counseling, every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.  Never comment adversely about your partners weight or your attraction to them.  Instead be affectionate and appreciative.  Focus on their positive attributes instead of dwelling on their weight.  Kind comments reassure your partner that you love them no matter what their body looks like.

As for dealing with shame, the antidote is empathy.  Replacing shame talk with positive self talk is crucial.  In other words, if you are overweight talk to yourself like you would talk to your child.  When shame is present it grows by leaps and bounds when it is stuffed.  Release shame by talking to your partner . . . their job is to express empathy and understanding.

Couples need to maintain positive regard for one another to cope with the changes that time brings, and that includes changes in weight and physical attractiveness.

Mary Beth George, MEd, LPC, RD/LD

Certified Gottman Therapist

 

 

 

 

 

Is My Relationship Real??? Am I Watering a Fake Plant???

Monday, November 7th, 2011

A few months ago I received a lovely orchid as a gift.  Notoriously I kill plants by either overwatering or neglect. My orchid was so beautiful I really wanted to change my losing streak with houseplants, so I carefully watered it and made sure it got sunlight  . . . . until I was out of town for a few days.

I then fell into my usual pattern of neglect.  I left it in a dark room, dry as a bone.  When I  returned I fully expected to find a wilting plant with falling flowers.  But much to my surprise my orchid looked the same.  I began to wonder, “Is this real  or fake?  How could it possibly look the same?”

I pondered my orchid dilemma and was amused how it is a metaphor that could be used in relationships.

When we enter into a new relationship we put our best foot forward.  If we really want a relationship to work out, we try to change our old bad habits that get us in trouble.  I nurtured my plant like it was a new relationship.

But just like with my plant, true behaviors eventually emerge in relationships.  I am toxic when it comes to my relationship with .  I was showing my plant my true self and it was accepting my bad behavior.  I didn’t know if I should believe my plants great capacity for tolerating my abuse or dismiss it as a fake.

I leaned towards  the former . . . I really wanted my plant to be alive, even though I seriously  doubted what was happening.  Sometimes we do this in relationships.  We don’t clearly see what’s actually happening, only what we want to see happening.

Sometimes we nurture things that aren’t real.  Sometimes we water fake plants.

But I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that my plant might not be real.  I decided to risk embarrassment and ask a friend what she thought.

Like a good girlfriend would, she listened to my story, examined my plant herself and offered a solution.  She suggested breaking a piece off of one of the leaves to see what would happen.  I was horrified that she wanted to desecrate my beautiful plant.  It was as if she told me to break off my relationship because it wasn’t real.

I knew she was right, but I wasn’t ready for the truth.  I decided it was better to live with not knowing and continued to nurture my plant as if it were real.  Not wanting to know the truth is really denial and my denial was powerful. I kept watering, not knowing, and not particularly caring what others thought.

I have now had my relationship with my new plant for two months.  I have exposed my true self to my plant.  Initially it was accepting and tolerant, some may even say it acted a bit codependent.

But lo and behold, my plant is starting to show signs of being a victim.  Just a few days ago I noticed one of the petals looked a little wilted.  It took two more days for the petal to fall off and for me to believe what was really happening.

But when it did I smiled with amusement for I knew my denial was over.  My plant was finally showing its true nature in our relationship.  I am being forced to deal with the truth and  it’s a little painful.

In counseling we work on accepting and dealing with what is truly in front of us.  No denial, no faking.  Once the truth is revealed to us, it’s up to us to accept what is really happening and take action, even if it is painful.

As for me and my plant, it’s time for me to accept my flaws and get some professional help.  As for you and your relationships, ask yourself if you are watering a fake plant.

Mary Beth George, MEd, LPC


Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy Associates provides service to Kingwood, Humble, Atascocita, Porter, Fall Creek, Summerwood, North Houston and surrounding areas.

Couples Counseling & Psychotherapy Associates

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Suite 106
Kingwood, Texas 77339
Ph: 281-812-7529

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