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Posts Tagged ‘rituals of connection’

Holiday Traditions Create Shared Meaning

Tuesday, December 11th, 2018

Families are gearing up to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and the many other winter holidays that are upon us.  While this can be a stressful time, it can also be a joyous time of family connection. How each family celebrates is unique.

The other day I was culling out photos from my phone.  I came across a photo of my dad taken in the late-1960s and was instantly flooded with memories.  In the photo he was painting two reindeer that would grace our front porch at Christmastime for decades to come. Those reindeer, along with a Santa, are a cherished family tradition.

Even though my parents have passed, my brother and his family have ensured that the traditions we had as children live on.  Christmas Eve wouldn’t be Christmas Eve without a blending of my mother’s Czechoslovakian family recipes and a variety of fish to honor my father’s Italian heritage. The food is fattening, but anything short of these traditions would simply feel wrong.  We happily indulge in the extra calories and complain about how miserable we feel afterwards.  That too, is part of the tradition.

Rituals and traditions bind people together because they can be counted on.  We know what will happen, what to expect.  Traditions make us feel a part of something bigger, creating a sense of safety and emotion connection.

When couples join together they often have to compromise and blend their family traditions, creating a new and unique culture.  By doing so it becomes part of their shared meaning.

Examine Your Rituals

The holiday season is the perfect time to examine your rituals and traditions.  You may have more than you realize.

Do you have special ornaments to place on the Christmas tree?

Do you have a ritual for lighting the Menorah candles?

What holiday foods are special for your family?

Do you watch your favorite Christmas shows?

Do you decorate gingerbread houses?

Do you go see a live performance of The Nutcracker?

Do you have an Elf on the Shelf?

Sharing the tradition and the story that goes along with it is important.  This holiday season, as you pull the boxes from the attic or dust off the old recipe cards, take a moment and share the story of these rituals with your loved ones.  Help the tradition live on.

 

Rituals of Connection Strengthen Relationships

Wednesday, November 13th, 2013

Sound houseThanksgiving is upon us and that warms my heart.  Over the past 20 years my husband and I have unwittingly developed  rituals around this day of gratitude.  We honor his family tradition of tamales and football and my love of Brussels sprouts and my friend Mary, who has spent 18 of the last 20 Thanksgivings with us.  When any of these things are missing from our day, it simply doesn’t feel right.

And that is how rituals go.  They are routines that create shared meaning in relationships and strengthen emotional connections.  Notice that Creating Shared Meaning is at the top of the Sound Relationship House, the model we use in Gottman Method Couples Therapy.  Rituals are important in relationships because we look forward to them  . . . they symbolize who we are as a couple or as a family.  They have the power to smooth over rough spots and transitions that we all naturally experience over the course of time.

We tend to think of rituals on holidays, especially ones that honor cultural heritage, faith or family values.  But rituals on a smaller scale are equally important.  How couple and families routinely come together creates a sense of belonging.  Rituals demonstrate that we take time out of our busy schedules to make one another a priority.

Here are some examples of rituals from my own family, as well as ones I have heard from other couples and families:

  • Six second kiss when you wake up, when you say goodnight, and when you come and go
  • Family dinnertime where everyone talks about their day
  • Walking the dog every evening
  • Making a cheesecake for your partner on their birthday because it is their favorite dessert
  • Going for pancakes every Saturday morning
  • Weekly date night
  • Returning to your honeymoon destination every year on your anniversary
  • Leaving love notes by the coffee maker for your partner to find every morning
  • Training for a distance bike ride together
  • Watching a favorite TV show together
  • How you approach your partner for sex
  • Family game night
  • Going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve
  • Snuggling for 10 minutes every morning after the alarm goes off
  • Parents and kids volunteering once per month at an animal shelter
  • Planting a vegetable garden every year
  • And my son’s favorite . . . serving his “lucky” foods (Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino and shrimp cocktail) before he plays a football game

Rituals create positive memories and are like glue in relationships . . . they keep you connected. What are the rituals in your relationships?

 

 

 


Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy Associates provides service to Kingwood, Humble, Atascocita, Porter, Fall Creek, Summerwood, North Houston and surrounding areas.

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2330 Timber Shadows Drive
Suite 106
Kingwood, Texas 77339
Ph: 281-812-7529

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