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A group of independent counselors serving Kingwood and Houston
Specializing in Gottman MethodTM Couples and Marriage Counseling

Posts Tagged ‘Shared meaning’

Date 7: Something to Believe In . . . Growth and Spirituality

Tuesday, November 5th, 2019

In every relationship, like in life, the only constant is change.

Truth.

Reading that statement in Eight Dates:  Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love made me stop and reflect on how my husband and I have both changed and also how we have grown together over the years.   

When we met, there were similarities, such as we were both recently divorced, grew up in the same faith, had dogs and loved to cycle.  

The differences, though, were stark.  Different sides of the political spectrum.  Different holiday traditions.  His love of sports.  My quest to grow spiritually.  And that just scratches the surface.

But in the last 25 years we have managed to create shared meaning in our relationship.  Research on married couples shows that when couples hold their relationship sacred, they have better relationships.

Bingo.  

We were able to navigate our differences, sometimes with struggle, but always with a desire to be in the relationship.  

The 7th Date

We planned the 7th date on the fly.  I literally grabbed the book as we were running out the door to drive to College Station to attend a lecture.  The book suggests that you select a place that feels beautiful and sacred to both of you.

Does driving on 290 and stopping at Buc-ees in Waller count as sacred?  I vote YES.  They have the cleanest bathrooms, the best snacks and awesome tee-shirts.  Come to think of it, it is actually a ritual for us.  Whenever we head out of town by car, we stop at Buc-ees.  I guess you can say it is part of our shared meaning.  

The 7th date conversation topic was “How have we each grown and changed in the relationship?  What does spirituality mean to each of us and how do we express it? 

A heavy topic indeed.

The topic relates to the shared meaning couples create. It is basically the Story of US.  It is the way couples weave their lives together. 

When couples work out the roles they take on, the goals they share for the future, and stay connected by ritually coming together, they create shared meaning.

We reflected on how we have changed and also how we have strengthened the story of US.

We are the George’s.  We love Thanksgiving and have combined our traditions (he needs football, I need brussels sprouts).  We still love to cycle, although our knees don’t always cooperate like they used to.  Most nights of the week you can catch us cooking dinner together.  He has become the grill master and I make the veggies.  Our dogs create time for us to talk every night because they demand a walk, but we love it as much as they do.  We go to football games, which I now enjoy and he goes to musicals with me and actually initiates these dates on occasion.  We currently enjoy taste-testing different bourbons, something I never thought I would like.  We still diverge in minor ways on spirituality and politics, but it is inconsequential.  Scattered about our house are symbols of the things we have shared together, such as memorable trips, and of course, memories of our now college-age son.  We don’t always like the other’s work schedule, but we have managed to work around it and share chores. We are empty nesters who have worked hard to save for retirement and have a shared bucket list of things we want to do before we leave the planet.

In a nutshell, that is shared meaning.  

Holiday Traditions Create Shared Meaning

Tuesday, December 11th, 2018

Families are gearing up to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and the many other winter holidays that are upon us.  While this can be a stressful time, it can also be a joyous time of family connection. How each family celebrates is unique.

The other day I was culling out photos from my phone.  I came across a photo of my dad taken in the late-1960s and was instantly flooded with memories.  In the photo he was painting two reindeer that would grace our front porch at Christmastime for decades to come. Those reindeer, along with a Santa, are a cherished family tradition.

Even though my parents have passed, my brother and his family have ensured that the traditions we had as children live on.  Christmas Eve wouldn’t be Christmas Eve without a blending of my mother’s Czechoslovakian family recipes and a variety of fish to honor my father’s Italian heritage. The food is fattening, but anything short of these traditions would simply feel wrong.  We happily indulge in the extra calories and complain about how miserable we feel afterwards.  That too, is part of the tradition.

Rituals and traditions bind people together because they can be counted on.  We know what will happen, what to expect.  Traditions make us feel a part of something bigger, creating a sense of safety and emotion connection.

When couples join together they often have to compromise and blend their family traditions, creating a new and unique culture.  By doing so it becomes part of their shared meaning.

Examine Your Rituals

The holiday season is the perfect time to examine your rituals and traditions.  You may have more than you realize.

Do you have special ornaments to place on the Christmas tree?

Do you have a ritual for lighting the Menorah candles?

What holiday foods are special for your family?

Do you watch your favorite Christmas shows?

Do you decorate gingerbread houses?

Do you go see a live performance of The Nutcracker?

Do you have an Elf on the Shelf?

Sharing the tradition and the story that goes along with it is important.  This holiday season, as you pull the boxes from the attic or dust off the old recipe cards, take a moment and share the story of these rituals with your loved ones.  Help the tradition live on.

 


Couples Counseling and Psychotherapy Associates provides service to Kingwood, Humble, Atascocita, Porter, Fall Creek, Summerwood, North Houston and surrounding areas.

Couples Counseling & Psychotherapy Associates

2330 Timber Shadows Drive
Suite 106
Kingwood, Texas 77339
Ph: 281-812-7529

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